One of my favorite aspects of the human condition is our relationships. This is reflected in my clinical work as well. I love working with couples and all other kinds of relationships, where people are trying to interact and communicate better. Relationships are at the heart of what it means to be human. We are born with desire and need to bond and connect. It is our nature.

Whether with a partner, family member, or friend, our connections can be a source of immense joy or deep pain. (Why do I feel you nodding right now?…lol) Yes I know, even the healthiest relationships hit rough patches. Miscommunication, unmet needs, and unresolved emotional pain can trap us in cycles and cycles of toxic thinking that follow us in time and in even into new relationships.

The Toxic Thinking Trap

One of the biggest misconceptions about relationships is the assumption that we know our counterparts inside out. Whether it is their intentions, their thoughts, or their actions, we think we know them, can predict them, or interpret them accurately. But what we don’t realize is that our assumptions are often rooted in our own filters, fears, and insecurities, not necessarily reality.

For example, many couples I have worked with start out our sessions with scenarios like this one: Where one partner tends to shut down during tough conversations. Their thinking revolving around “What’s the point? They don’t understand my point or here we go again, I am going to be a fault again.” Meanwhile the other partner is spinning on thoughts interpreting the silence or disengagement as rejection, thinking “They don’t love me or care about my feelings.” Both partners are left feeling hurt, disconnected, and stuck in rut, caught in toxic thought loops that make genuine communication feel impossible. They miss out on the opportunities and solutions that meaningful dialogue could easily offer, including relief within the relationship itself.

Breaking Cycles

Here are some simple strategies to help you move past the pain the toxic thinking trap causes and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships:

1. Focus on the Feeling, Not the Fault

When in the middle of a fight or difficult conversation, we tend to jump in with trying to communicate about what they are doing or saying wrong, establishing fault or blame. This doesn’t get anyone very far except in almost guaranteeing that one person is now on the defensive. By making our issues and feelings personal, we only widen the gap of misunderstanding and miscommunication. Instead, try starting off by naming what you are feeling. For example, “When I walk away, I am feeling very overwhelmed and need a moment to process. I know this conversation is important, so I will come back to it.” This shifts the dynamic from blame or misinterpretation of rejection to understanding and making space for each other.

2. Turn Toward, Not Away

Many of us gravitate towards connection and relations because we don’t want to go through life alone. The familiar with the words, “for better or worse” carry meaning behind them of being there for each other through both the good and bad experiences. So, it important to remember that even though you may feel like turning inward or away during difficult times, you can turn towards the other person. These moments serve as opportunities to grow closer together, strengthening the relationship. This challenges the common belief that vulnerability is weakness, but in relationships, it is very much the opposite. Sharing fears, hopes, and needs with each other creates deeper connection. For example, if one person feels like they are falling short or failing the other, if they share these thoughts, the other person has the opportunity to reassure them of their true experience with love and support. This moves people away from isolation and towards better, healthier connection.

3. Stay in the Present

In a few of my other articles, I have discussed how toxic thinking is usually at the root of our issues. Relationships are no different. Many of us have childhood memories and past relationships that influence how we perceive and interpret the current relationship dynamics. It could be something someone said to us that stuck or an experience that has left a scar. It is essential that we become aware of how these toxic thoughts color our lenses and play into the present day. Becoming more aware and conscious of the toxicity can liberate the present reality from pain of the past. Pause and ask yourself, “Is this reaction about now or something from my past?”

Biological Benefits

Relationships can be both a source of stress and act as a buffer to stress. They do not just influence us emotionally, but also biologically. When we feel emotionally connected, we respond with our bodies, too. Our brains release oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” which fosters trust and affection between humans. But also, be aware that prolonged disconnection activates our stress response both emotionally and physiologically. For example, releasing cortisol and feelings of being anxious or defensive.

Every relationship faces challenges. These challenges don’t have be feared or avoided if we look at them as opportunities to deepen our connections. When we choose to communicate more clearly, respond with compassionate empathy, and let go of our own toxic thinking, we create space for growth, healing, and deeper love.

If you are feeling disconnected, stuck, or overwhelmed, know that it’s never too late to reassess and rebuild. Connection starts with small, intentional steps that inch us towards new possibilities.

This article was written by and reprinted with permission of Sajel Bellon. Find her at Pain to Possibilities.

 

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